Updated: Oct 12
Men go to sex workers. It happens. What you say about it says more about you and your beliefs of the industry and sexuality, than the men and women engaging in consensual sexual behaviour.....
I have met men AND women, who think that going to a sex worker is gross and disgusting.
What does that say? It says that a man’s sexual and sensual desires are shameful and wrong unless in a loving relationship. It also says that the women providing the service are either dirty and immoral.
Maybe you think the women providing the service are just doing it because men are pigs, and they're actually doing it out of lack of their own power.
What does that say about your perspective men and their sexuality? Would that perspective encourage healthy sexual expression? Or would it suppress it further, resulting in unhealthy expressions of it?
Before answering the question of why a man should go to a sex worker or not, let’s explore the multitude of reasons why a man might go to a sex worker:
As a heads up, this article isn’t oriented around human trafficking or exploitation, nor is it to discuss the laws surrounding sex work. It’s simply to bridge the gap between ill-informed thoughts like “He SHOULD live like ______” and real thoughts like the ones below.
It’s very easy to dehumanize the men that go to sex workers. It’s easy to make them out to be predatory, and to make them evil, or dirty or sick (even though, yes, there are men and women like that). And I completely disagree with that thought process.
Let's get into it. Here are just a few reasons why men go to escorts, prostitutes, sex workers, or how ever you want to label them:
Because they’re socially awkward, and can’t find someone to be intimate with. (this is sad, but true)
Because they’re too busy to get into the dating game, but still want to have sex (like any normal human being would).
Because “getting laid” isn’t nearly as easy for a lot men as people seem to think.
Because it’s easier.
Because he’s a virgin. And as an adult virgin, few women want to be a man’s first. And a man who’s still a virgin as an adult, is likely suffering from sometimes crippling anxiety, which is preventing him from meeting a partner in the first place.
Because it’s safe. And by safe, I mean safe to be vulnerable. A lot of men have cried on the shoulders of the escorts they hire.
Because it removes any potential emotional fall-out.
Because they’re going through sexual dysfunction challenges and need help reconnecting with their sexuality, without having to focus on their partner/worry what a new/their current partner would think.
Because their libido is down, and they need some help, and they’re afraid of asking their partner. Or they don’t have a partner to go to for help in the first place, and they don’t want to have sex with a new partner if their libido is down, because it would be embarrassing if they couldn’t get an erection with a new partner.
Because they don’t want sloppy, drunk sex from a picked up girl from the nightclub. Or because they can’t pick up a girl from the night club in the first place. God forbid you would want sober sex, eh?
Because they are in an emotionally tough place, and can’t meet anyone, but still have their needs.
Because they’re older and “out” of the dating game.
Because they have a fetish for something naughty, like paying for sex from someone they don’t know.
Because they want to live out fantasies. For example in an autobiography I was reading about an escort, she spoke of an elderly man that would ask her to act like his deceased wife. Sometimes she would clean, and they would chat and flirt, and then have sex. She said he was gentle, kind, often got teary-eyed or cried about his lost wife, and showered her with love. He routinely told her stories about his wife and how much he missed her. He couldn’t bear to date another woman, but he still craved sex: Like everyone does.
Because as men we’re expected to show the woman a good time, but if we don’t “perform” (because maybe we’re stressed, nervous, our head is elsewhere, we’re wondering if we’re going to have sex, if she’s having a good time, should he pay/not pay, etc), then we’re rejected. With an escort, a man has a chance to actually feel like a king; to feel appreciated, and desired without having to put someone else’s needs ahead of his own. He’s relieved of responsibility. He can enjoy himself without feeling like he needs to perform or play the role of provider and protector. And if you believe that this is selfish, then yes I agree with you. But is it unhealthy? Fuck no. He can pay money, and he can have intimacy (not just sex), and feel like a king, even if just for a short period of time.
Because he’s a single father and doesn’t have time to get out to meet someone.
Because he’s a registered sex-offender with a specific sexual fantasy for which he needs a safe outlet. So he calls an escort to have that fantasy lived out in a negotiated, consensual manner. (yes, this situation requires more mental health support, but I would much rather this scenario, than a criminal act)
Because his wife has decided that she doesn’t want to have sex. Maybe she’s just had a baby and hasn’t felt sexy in years, despite his consistent efforts to make her feel sexy. Or she’s lost attraction to him. Or there’s a discrepancy between their libidos. Or she doesn’t want to offer him certain sexual acts that he can get from an escort. Or some other reason that she’s hiding from him.
Because his wife is treating him like crap/he’s in an abusive relationship and wants to feel appreciated again while he tries to figure out how to get out of the relationship.
Because he wants adventure, and he finds his wife’s sexual expression to be boring. She only enjoys vanilla, missionary, soft, eye-gazing sex. He wants raunchy, dirty-talking, spanking, hair-pulling sex.
Because he’s afraid of women. I had a client who was told he was a creep. He started playing a boombox over his head for a woman he had a crush on (true story. He said he referenced a movie, because he thought that’s what she wanted.) She called the police on him, and told him he was a creep. No charges were laid, and he never approached her again, but ever since then, he’s avoided women because he doesn’t want to be a creep. Is this man socially awkward? Yes. But a bad person? No. He’s just a guy with needs and a desire to connect. He’s so afraid of hurting women, or making them feel uncomfortable, that he’s sacrificed his life to ensure he doesn’t get misrepresented. As a result, he didn’t develop the way he could have and is terribly lonely. By going to escorts, he can feel intimacy without having to worry that he’s going to creep her out or hurt her, or have the police called on him.
Because he has a fantasy he want’s fulfilled, but doesn’t want his partner to see him in this light yet/he doesn’t trust his partner. For example, dominatrixes and a lot of ‘pain play’ requires a lot of training and experience. Going to a professional is a smart decision. OR he wants to get pegged (fucked in the ass by his girlfriend wearing a strap-on), and he has a lot of shame around that desire and can’t open up to his partner. He doesn’t want her to see that side of him yet, because he hasn’t yet worked through it on his own. So he goes to an escort instead. I've also encountered many women who would feel turned off by pegging their man and actually lose respect for him. This isn't exactly healthy for a relationship, and shames his desires.
Because he’s horny, isn’t ready to date yet (for whatever reason), and wants to have sex.
Because he’s going through a lot of stress, and can’t handle the emotional journey of going to meet someone, and hoping it turns to sex. And sex, as we all know, is a great solution to stress.
Are there some deeper challenges behind some of the reasons laid out above? Yes. Are there better solutions to some of those reasons? Maybe…but that’s only if you think escorting is bad. And shaming a man (or anyone for that matter) for going to a sex worker for help only makes things worse.
Men are human, complex, and deserve (just like every single other living creature) respect for their own sovereignty. And in the words of a friend, who's also a sex worker, "I truly believe everyone is deserving of touch and sensuality."
So, in my opinion, the answer to the question of "should men go to sex workers" is an absolute fuck yes.
But here's the caveat: How do you do so without getting arrested, and ensuring the worker you're going to is fully consenting and not being trafficked? That's a topic for another article.