“Oh yeah, we’re in an open relationship.” This, is probably the single most dangerous line I hear in the dating world nowadays.
And I see it slowly killing people’s hearts. Not because of the “open” dynamic, but because they’re being irresponsible about it. And I have to rant.
A relationship requires commitment and an agreement on terms. Otherwise, you’re just dating.
“Open” relating does not remove the need for terms, and commitment. But, I’m seeing that way too often.
People enter into “open” relationships, or will call themselves “polyamorous.”
But to be perfectly honest, it’s sugar coated lying and simply an excuse to go fuck other people. It’s used to avoid the emotional intimacy and needs of the person you say you’re in a relationship with.
If you want to just mess around with other people, then do that. I won’t hold it against you. I’ve done it before.
But be honest with yourself and the person/people you’re fucking.
Otherwise, you’re just feigning emotional commitment, while still holding onto your desire for emotional and sexual freedom and exploration.
You’re trapped in a no-man’s land of sexual and emotional land-mines.
If you want a relationship that’s “open”, then define what that looks like to you.
Is it group sex with your partner?
Is it going on Tinder, and hooking up with someone once or twice?
How often will you sleep with other people?
What kind of sex will you have? BDSM where there’s no penetration? Or are we talking penetrative sex?
How long are you going to spend courting these people that you’re having sex with?
Will you have sex at your place where you share the bed with your partner? Or elsewhere?
How are you going to manage sexual mishaps, like accidental pregnancy? Or STIs?
How will you ensure your main partner is getting their needs met?
Will you have a primary partner?
Or are you going to have emotional relationships with multiple people?
What are you going to do when jealousy, and fear, and vulnerability, and guilt show up for you or your partner?
How does your partner need support when those emotions come up?
How do *you* need support?
How will you define what adultery looks like? Because betrayel is like a shit-stained rainbow. It comes in many shades, and if you both are unclear about what that looks like for the both of you, then how will you know when to stop?
If you haven’t engaged in this kind of conversation, because it *scares you* then how the hell can you manage the emotional shit show that will ensue by being in an “open” relationship?
What really makes you think you’re mature enough to handle the emotions that sex brings with it, if you can’t even look your partner in the eye and have this conversation?
In what fucking world would that be acceptable?
This is an equivalent conversation:
A: “Hey, give me that gun! I want it!”
B: “Yea? Sure. But we should talk about gun safety first, and what could happen, and what we should do if the worst things do happen.”
A: “Fuck you. This is my right and my freedom and my body and my life. I don’t ‘owe’ you anything.”
Person A, to me, sounds like an entitled brat with their head up their ass.
My guess, is that if someone hasn’t had these conversations, they’re likely doing the “open relationship” thing because they want to *avoid* emotional messiness and closeness in the first place.
That kind of person is the exact opposite of who you could have a healthy non-monogamous relationship with.
If you want to have an “open” relationship, great!
Monogamy isn’t right for everyone. And non-monogamy can work for others.
But this requires you to really evaluate what you’re looking to get FROM that open dynamic.
Are you just avoiding the commitment that comes with a monogamous relationship?
Or are you looking for something sexual that your partner can’t give you (like group sex, or BDSM, or whatever)?
Or are you looking for something erotic or emotional you can’t get in your primary relationship?
Non-monogamy is a better term than “open.” Because non-monogamy can mean whatever you want it to mean.
That said, if you can’t clearly define the dynamics of your “non-monogamy”, with everyone involved being clear on the dynamics of it, then it’s basically like running across a busy freeway, and just “having faith” that you won’t get run over by an emotional truck.
Stop playing roullette with other peoples hearts and sexuality because you’re too scared to face your own insecurities and bullshit.
If you can’t handle the conversations and emotions that come with sexual freedom, or even sex/relationships with one person, then maybe you should stop fucking other people, and just go fuck yourself.