It's incredible what you can learn from an unexpected one night stand.
I found myself matched with a gorgeous woman on a mobile dating app. She was a flight attendant from another Canadian city who was grounded in Vancouver for a short period of time. After a brief text conversation, we decided to meet up for drinks later that evening.
When we met up, after the first few minutes of awkward “you’re new, who are you” conversation, we eased into each other. Eventually, the restaurant decided it was time to close (#jerks).
But we weren’t done yet. So we decided to get a bottle of wine and go up to her hotel room. In the hotel room, we talked, we touched and we kissed. We shared a lot about ourselves over the 8 hours we spent together.
After it was decided that we weren’t going to have sex that night, “Lisa” got up from the couch we were on and went over to the bed and said, “Come here, Ryan. I want to show you something with touch. Lay down.”
So, I mustered up as much James Bond cool as I could, got up from the couch, adjusted my erection from all the making out, walked over, took off my shirt and layed face down on the bed.
What happened next is the secret of what she did, that so few people do well. (Prepare yourself for a largely simplistic and oddly anti-climactic, yet wildly underused technique)
After I layed down on the bed, she straddled me. And then proceeded to touch, massage, tickle and caress my entire back and shoulders for almost 45 minutes.
Yep. That’s it. Sound simple? It’s because it is.
And despite it’s simplicity, it was by far one of the most sensual, and intimate first dates I’ve ever had. And that touch (and non-penetrative sexual encounter) will remain by far at the top of the best I’ve ever had.
Why? Because people rarely give for the sake of giving, which is exactly what she did. Not only that, her touch was exquisite and I trusted her completely.
BUT, here are the principles she used in a not so robotic/fembot kind of way:
1. Notice when they flinch.
Have you ever had someone start to touch or massage you, and you get kind of ticklish or irritated? You’ll tense up, and flex in that area as if to try to get their hand to stop touching you there.
It’s the same thing for everyone. When you receive touch that is uncomfortable, either due to pain, irritation, or a type of tickling you don’t like, you’re going to tense up.
Tensing up is the opposite of relaxing (duh!). So if you’re touching someone, pay attention to their reactions and adjust accordingly. (this is probably the most simple pieces of advice, but people miss this all too often)
2. Notice when they relax into a puddle of fleshy goo.
Conversely to the previous point, notice when they relax. Unfortunately, this often gets missed too.
When I’m receiving a massage, I’ll let out a moan or a sigh and completely relax when something feels good. Sometimes, I’ll even verbally say “oh yeah, right there!”
But then my partner will leave that spot almost as quickly as they went there, leaving me frustrated.
When you get feedback from your partner in the form of moans, sighs, you feel their body relax or you get verbal feedback, then do this one thing: Focus on that spot for as long as they give you good feedback.
3. Verbal Feedback is your friend.
If they’re verbally telling you what they want, don’t take it personally. It doesn’t mean you’re doing a bad job. It just means they feel comfortable asking for what they really enjoy. It's like getting a cheat sheet on a practical exam.
So listen to them, appreciate it and adjust your touch. They’ve literally just given you the keys to be their best lover/massager person (that’s a technical term).
4. Use different types of touch and pressure.
BIG POINTER! If you ask what they like, and they say they don't know, they may actually not know. Some people are so out of touch with their body, that they literally can't tell you what they like or want.
So, do this instead of asking what they want: Ask them "do you prefer this touch (touch them lightly), or do you prefer this kind of touch (touch them with firmer touch)." They'll respond with what they liked better.
Play with different types of pressure, like hard or soft touch. Use your nails, finger tips, your palms, the backs of your hands, the backs of your nails, and your knuckles. Use heat, cold, feathers, leather, metal utensils, smells, food, tongue. Get creative. These all offer different types of sensation that can be very enjoyable (or not at all. See point #1) for your partner.
5. Use grounding touch.
If your partner starts to get ticklish, or tense up, there are two things you can do to remove that sensation. You can either stop touching that area entirely, or you can use grounding touch.
Grounding touch is firm, with pressure, and with the whole hand, arms or even body. It’s best as solid touch with little movement, but also can be used as broad strokes.
6. Slow is good.
It’s good to change things up a bit, but going slow is very hard to do, but feels amazing. There is no outcome here. You’re trying to get anywhere. So slow down, and enjoy the touch.
7. Don’t ask for touch right away.
If you’re going to give a massage, give a massage. Don’t taint your partners experience by asking them to come out of a coma to give you pleasure.
It’s okay to ask for a massage. But if your partner is still in their zen like state after you’ve given them the best touch they’ve ever had, let them revel in it for at least 5-10 minutes before asking for yours. That’s the point isn’t it? To touch someone so well they can’t do or think about anything else but be touched by you?
8. Give your full attention to them.
You can’t notice them flinching, or relaxing if you’re too focused elsewhere (like the TV, or your thoughts).
Turn off electronics (music is fine though), stop thinking about your day, don’t think about what you’re going to get out of it or if you’re “doing it right”, and just focus on your partner and your touch.
9. Pay attention to your intention.
Are you touching so you can receive? Or so you can get in their pants? Or to give them an orgasm? Or to win them over? Or because you feel obligated?
Or are you touching them because you genuinely want them to have a good experience.
If your intention is anything but the latter, then your touch will reflect that. Your partner will sense it (either consciously or unconsciously), and they won’t be able to fully relax and enjoy your touch.
Keep your intention centered around offering them your touch.
Good touch is based on trust. When you trust the person giving you a massage/touch, you trust that they’ll read your body, not put any expectations on you, listen to your requests and that you have their full attention.
When this trust is present, and the touch is skilled, you’ll be able to sink into your body and the experience.
If you do those 9 things above, you will undoubtedly offer some of the best touch your partner has ever had. Happy touching!