You would be surprised (probably not, actually, if you know what I’m about to say), at what a woman will say Yes to in the bedroom.
Women are sexual freaks. Okay not all #notallwomen.
But, I was having a conversation the other day with a client, and we were discussing how he gets his sexual needs and/or fantasies met. “Pressuring” was a word that was used.
There were some sexual things he wanted to explore with his partner, but he hadn’t really talked to her about it. And, he wanted to know how he could get her to say yes.
So, I told him about a previous partner of mine who taught me something. First of all, she was (…is…she’s still alive) smaller than me (like most women I date). And I can have a pretty intense personality (read: I can be intimidating…even though I’ve met a ton of men more intimidating than me).
She told me about a time she was assaulted/raped. She said “no” verbally to this boy, but he took what he wanted.
So, she learned that saying “no” meant “I’m going to be hurt, horribly.” It was classical conditioning. For her, saying no = severe emotional, mental and/or physical pain.
So naturally, saying “no” to me, especially if I was showing intensity, was extremely difficult for her.
If I wanted to do something in the bedroom, or even if we were just joking around, and she didn’t like it, she literally couldn’t say “no” or “stop.”
Hell, she would even be smiling and laughing, when deep down she was screaming “stop.”
What the fuck? Well, now what the hell are we supposed to do? I can’t (and won’t) accept responsibility for someone’s inability to speak up.
I still believe that a woman has a responsibility to learn how to say “no” and work through the trauma’s and fears that hold her back. I do not believe in enabling a woman or girl in her avoidance of personal healing, and subsequent empowerment over her own autonomy.
That being said, I also have a responsibility. It takes two to tango. And I need to accept my partner where she’s at. I cannot force her to be where I want her to be.
By learning how women, and my ex-girlfriend in particular, experienced the world, I was able to do my part, and pay closer attention.
I could notice the nuances in her communication (non-verbal and verbal) that indicated she was really uncomfortable and adjust myself accordingly.
I would notice slight changes in her tone, words, eye contact or body language.
If I was uncertain, I checked in by saying, “you good?” Or, “did that bother you?” And if she said no, she would either exaggerate the hell out of it to tease me, or I’d tease her harder and we’d keep playing.
If it did bother her, however, I was able to dial back the conversation, or actions.
Most of the women I’ve been with, have preferred me taking the lead in the bedroom. They want to be taken.
So, I do.
When I was younger, though, I didn’t understand that I could “take her” and still check in. Or that a quick check-in before or during some kind of sexual play, could drastically change (and improve) our experience.
A check-in as simple as, “Hey, you good?” Or “Hey, can we do this *sexually explicit activity*?” is powerful as fuck.
Hell, I’ve even said things like “I want to fuck you *hard* right now” and judging by her response, I either would, or wouldn’t. (and if I’m not sure, I don’t).
As I learned how to do this, and talk to my partner about sex, before, during and after, my sex life has done a complete 180-degree shift.
Now, I have a new found, and powerful understanding of how to get my partners to open up to me sexually, and say “Fuck Yes”, more than she says no.
Here are 4 things I’ve learned:
If my partner knows I will respect her “no”, she knows she can fully surrender into the experience. The feminine essence wants to surrender. (We all consist of masculine/feminine, but men are generally more masculine, and women generally more feminine.)
But if a woman doesn’t feel safe, she can’t surrender. She can’t let go. She’ll be a “control freak.” And it’s because she needs to remain vigilant enough to either pull back, or say no, if you start to skirt too close to the edge of her sexual comfort zone. She’ll be in her head.
If she knows I won’t try to guilt her, or harass her, or push her to do something she’s not sure of or comfortable doing, and she knows I won’t lose my temper if she changes her mind, she’ll feel more comfortable and able to relax.
I’ve had women cry, laugh hysterically, gush and squirt, and feel guilty, after orgasm. If she knows I won’t judge her for her experience, she’ll relax, and let herself feel fully.
If she knows I’m not just going to pass out on her after, and abandon her once I’ve orgasmed, she’ll feel safe to feel the emotions that come up from sex. This is called “after care,” and it’s probably the most important aspect to sex. Google it.
If she knows that I care about what her boundaries are, and that I’ll notice if she starts to tighten up or pull away physically, and that I’ll stop, then she’ll fully relax.
For the first few times you have sex, if you ask her if it’s okay if you choke her, pull her hair, spank/smack her, spit, do anal, restrict her hands, etc it doesn’t remove dominance (which is what I thought when I was younger).
In fact, it opens up the room for even more dominance, and for it to work well.
If you know her boundaries, and you both know that you won’t go past them, then there is some serious fucking power in there. You can take her right to the absolute edge, and dominate the hell out of her, and she’ll love every second of it.
That’s because she knows, and you know, you won’t cross her boundaries and she feels safe letting go.
If you both know, that you respect and appreciate her no (either verbal or non-verbal), you’d be surprised at how much she’ll say yes to.
This doesn’t mean being a mind-reader. It just means understanding her experience, and doing your part.
She wants to make you happy and please you, but she doesn’t want to be pushed. And since she’s the one trusting you, she needs to know that you’ll take care of her.
You don’t have to negotiate each and every minute fucking detail (not unless you’re doing something really risky like rape fantasies, or other kink/BDSM play).
But understanding a little check in, by asking for what you’d like to do, is respectful. And it sets the tone that she’s safe to say and ask for what she wants and needs without judgement, punishment or dismissal.
And if she knows that, she’s going to want to try a lot of sexual stuff with you.
Remember when I said “women are freaks”? Yea…they are. And they will say “yes” to a ton of freaky and dirty shit. But only under the context of safety.
I’ve had a lot of partners do things with me they’ve never done with any other man before. I'm not trying to boast. I'm simply sharing the reason behind why they chose to explore with me: They felt (and were) safe with me. That is the common denominator.
This trust goes both ways too. If I know a woman is able to say no and ask for what she wants in a respectful way, then I’ll check in less often. Because I know she’ll say what’s up, and I won’t have to feel like I’m being overly cautious.
If I know she has a hard time with saying no, though, I’ll check in more often, until I know what she can and can’t handle.
So, all in all, here's where we're at:
Make her feel safe, and she'll push her limits with you. That doesn't mean she'll do everything. She has her own limits too. But she'll be willing to push those with you when you know how to open her up with safety.