I had a roommate who once said, when referring to sex with his girlfriend, “She doesn’t need any toys. She’s got my dick! Haha!”
Another guy recently said to me, “I get a little nervous about using toys…I don’t know how I feel about it.”
The thoughts that are behind the thought of “I don’t want her to use toys” are the following:
Am I not enough?
Am I not good enough?
Is there something wrong with my penis?
Will we just have to continue using toys in order for her to get off? What if we’ll never have “regular” sex, without toys, ever again?
What if I’m never able to make her cum without a toy?
I can’t vibrate like that. And I don’t curve like that. How the hell am I supposed to please her? I feel inadequate.
These thoughts are stemming from a fear that he won’t be enough and that he’s never going to be able to fully please her. And if he’s not enough, he’s not loved.
Men want to feel appreciated. And if he can’t satisfy you without a toy, then is he man enough for you? How can he be appreciated in the bedroom, if his penis, and “real sex” isn’t enough.
And that’s where the problematic thinking is.
Guys, you’re not your dick.
Sex isn’t about your dick. Sure it plays a part, but it’s not the whole show.
Lesbian women tend to have more orgasms than straight women do. Are they sexually unsatisfied? Does one of them magically grow a penis at the time of sex, only to have it retract into a clitoris again after?
Using toys isn’t meant to take away from your ability to please a woman. It’s meant to ADD to the sexual experience. Otherwise, it can get boring. And if it doesn’t get boring, you’re essentially missing out on so many different levels of pleasure!
It’s like if you just ate steamed vegetables with a tiny bit of butter, and a bland chicken breast. Sure, you’ll get nutrients from it.
But eventually you’re going to want some fuckin tacos! Some pizza! Some steak. Add in some spices to that chicken breast. Hell, stuff that breast with some juicy goodness (….ha!).
There are so many different layers to sex and sexual pleasure, that just using only 1 ingredient, is kind of insulting. #imoffended
Her using toys has nothing to do with her feelings towards you.
If you’re struggling with premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction, then go ahead and use toys WITH her. If she’s satisfied sexually (or close to it), she’ll be much more patient and eager to work with you while you learn to last longer and/or get hard during a period where you’re not.
If you’re not struggling with PE or ED, then using toys has nothing to with the pleasure you currently have together.
It has nothing to do with your dick. So go have fun with toys.
Get some toys for yourself.
I’ve used vibrators on myself and holy hell is it good. But after doing that a few times, eventually, I just wanted some good ol’ fashioned regular, non-vibrating touch.
It’s important to not put sex into a box, and say it needs to be “THIS WAY” every time. It’s so multi-faceted and if a partner can only cum while using a vibrator, who are you to stop their pleasure because you think it has to do with an inadequacy on your part?
Sex is meant to be playful. It’s an adult exploration of pleasure and our bodies. It’s not about orgasm (except when you want it to be). So why let a bit of misplaced expectation get in the way of all the ways you two can enjoy pleasure together?
Go buy that toy. Get something for yourself too. Start adding sexual trinkets into a tickle trunk of sexual wonder.
It’s your body. It’s her body. And both of your pleasure. So start exploring and have fun.