There are hundreds, if not thousands, of articles written out there that tell you what you need to do to please your partner. But they never touch on this one, crucial piece of information. Without this piece of information, the following topics won't mean anything:
Go Slower/Faster/harder/Softer/make circle motions/do a fu**ing dance
Hold her afterwards.
Touch her this way/that way.
Know ALL of her hot spots.
Sync up your breathing.
Don’t forget the nipples. Except her, she’s doesn’t like nipple play.
Make sure you like anal sex.
Build up the pleasure before entry and make sure she’s sufficiently aroused. She might be wet, but not ready for penetration. Wait, what?
Use foreplay. Stop calling it foreplay and call it coreplay.
Go down on her (even if you don’t want to or like it)
Ask before kissing/Don’t ask before kissing.
Why did that move work for my last partner, but not this one?
Don’t finish too quickly, but it’s okay if you do, even though it’s not.
Don’t lose your erection, and don’t have a soft erection, otherwise you’re a limp-dick man.
Lead her in the bedroom, but follow her cues, but be present in your body and feel your own pleasure, but be aware of hers at all times.
Hundreds and hundreds of articles that get into the right way to be with a woman sexually. (Yes, women encounter the same b.s., but this article is for men). And all this stuff can be confusing and leave you thinking, “What the heck am I supposed to do?!”
Do you want to be her best lover? Here’s the secret:
Stop giving a sh*t.
But I don’t mean stop caring about her. What I mean is: Stop measuring your value as a man based on how many times you made her orgasm.
You could be a passive-aggressive a**hole and ignorant to how poorly you treat your partners. Maybe you’re lazy and can’t keep a job. Maybe your sexual partner only uses you for sex because conversation and being around you is agonizing.
Which would you prefer? Being a loser who can make women orgasm, but is constantly lonely and insecure? Or the man in her life she respects, who ALSO makes her orgasm.
Here’s the god’s honest, yet counter-intuitive, truth: You are not responsible for her orgasm. Here’s the flip-side though. She’s not responsible for yours either.
And if a woman says that only 1 man has ever made her orgasm, it’s up to her to understand why, and explore her pleasure deeper, so that she can tell her future lovers what she likes.
And if she doesn’t explore her own orgasm, then she’s a slave to that one guy who did it for her. And, I don’t know about you, but I don’t believe in enslaving women.
So, let’s just cut the crap. It’s not about specific techniques, or your penis, or tantric breathing magic. It’s about your mindset, because for every woman, sex is going to be different. And most women are going to reach orgasm differently.
And if you’re in your head, trying to “be her best lover”, you’re putting pressure on yourself to perform. Which can, and often does, create performance anxiety. And when you’re anxious, you’re going to be in your head, trying to make her orgasm.
Women are very naturally intuitive (generally speaking), and they’re going to pick up on that. We’ve all met that one greasy salesman, or that person at the party who made us feel “off”. That’s because we can pick up subtle cues unconsciously, which make us uncomfortable.
And if you’re feeling anxious, and trying coax the orgasm out of her so you can get your ego “fix”, she’s going to feel it. She’s going to feel pressured, and then anxious, and then the chances of her reaching orgasm go out the window.
Not only that, but if you’re in your head, trying to focus on specific “skills” you’ve learned, you’re going to miss the subtle cues her body is going to give you.
You’ll be too focussed on that voice in your head, and your motivation to make her orgasm, that you’ll miss what’s going on for her.
Her body might flex a tiny bit more or her breathing might change slightly.
Or she might give off a slight scent that tells you to keep going at that pace, pressure and speed to bring her to orgasm.
Here’s an example. When you’re with your closest friends, you just “know” what they’re thinking and feeling without even asking. That’s because you’re completely present with your friend. You’re not in your head thinking about what to say or do. And you also fully trust that your friend just “get’s you” and that you just “get them.”
There’s no posturing. It’s just you, and your friend, with no filters.
But when you’re with new people, or people who make you uncomfortable, or if you’re feeling any bit anxious, you’re going to be in your head. And when you’re in your head, you lose that intuitive “knowing” that you get when with your close friend.
That’s because you’re not “present” in the moment. You’re more focused on how you look to them, and being seen a certain way, then simply being you and understanding who they are.
So, if you find yourself getting anxious about making your partner orgasm, it’s because you’re putting too much pressure on yourself. You’re accepting too much responsibility for something she may not fully understand herself.
All you CAN do, is offer her your full, undivided attention, untainted by your own ego driven motivations, and touch her in the way that she feels most pleasurable. Leave the orgasm to her.
Learning techniques and skills is still important, yes (and freakin fun). But if you’re struggling with anxiety and have a performance mindset, then no amount of perfect “technique” will award her with an orgasm.
When you get your mindset right though, then all the tantric breathing, multiple orgasms, and all the other techniques become fun exploration that will rock both hers, and your, f**king world.
So, ease up on yourself brother, and stop putting so much weight on being her best. Because it’s the very thing holding you back. And it’s no measuring stick for being a good man.