If using a condom makes you lose your erection, then are you really the sexual beast you like to think you are?
Heads up: if you have a medical issue that’s chronic and your medication is affecting you, then this article really isn’t relevant to your situation. This is for otherwise healthy guys.
First off, this isn’t an article meant to shame men for not wanting to use condoms. It is, however, meant to highlight the weakness in not being able to use them, and the impact you, as a man, have when you don’t.
Here we go.
Conversation 1
Me: You don’t wear condoms?
Him: I just can’t stay hard when I wear them.
Conversation 2
Me: Why don’t you wear condoms?
Him: It’s just not as pleasurable. I lose a lot of sensation.
Me: What about the risk to her of getting pregnant? If she’s not on birth control, and if your pull-out method isn’t perfect?
Him: I don’t know. I don’t really think about it.
Me: She’s the one who has to carry the responsibility of getting plan B, which can be an absolutely shit fucking experience. Or even get an abortion. The hormones and emotions that go into that are pretty terrible. Imagine someone sticking a vacuum cleaner up your butt, and then killing your infant son/daughter? Would you want to deal with those emotions?
Him: Not exactly….shit….
Conversation 3
Me: Why don’t you wear condoms?
Him: I lose sensation. I can’t stay hard.
Me: What about STIs? You know you can be a carrier and not show symptoms right? And if you’ve had sex with someone else, it can sometimes take a few weeks for symptoms to show up. But you could still transmit to your new partner.
Him: I’m not showing any symptoms and I trust my previous partners. They seemed clean. They said they were.
Me: What about this new partner of yours? No one plans on having an STI. What if you’re carrying, and you transmit to her accidentally. Do you not care about her experience and safety?
Him: I didn’t really think about that. I like to think I’m good at selecting partners. I don’t think I’m risky.
Condoms do affect pleasure. I’ll agree to that. There’s definitely a physical and psychological increase in pleasure when not using a condom.
Are you allowed to ask your partner to not use a condom? Yes. 100%.
Should you ever pressure a woman who wants to use one, not to use one? No.
There are two things to concern ourselves with here: Risk of pregnancy/STIs, and losing erections.
Gentlemen….if your partner is okay with assuming some of the risk, then awesome! Go for it! We can all agree that unprotected sex feels hella better.
But, if she says no, that means she doesn’t want to assume that risk.
By pressuring her, you’re literally saying (albeit indirectly, and unconsciously): “I don’t care about your sexual health, and I don’t care if you have to deal with a pregnancy and all the shit that comes with it. I only care about my 2-15 minutes of 50% increased pleasure.”
Are you really willing to pressure her to take on that risk because you can’t stay hard otherwise? Is your lack of erection her problem or yours?
Why do you lose your erection due to condoms?
2 reasons:
Emotional/Psychological issues with sex/condoms. Fear of negative judgement. Fear of not having sex. Issues around sexuality in general. Not actually being turned on. Guilt. Anger. Resentment.
The condom doesn’t fit right.
For the latter problem, go here to get a proper fitting condom.
For the emotional/psychological reasons, keep on reading.
“I can’t stay hard, though. I’m scared I’m going to lose my erection, and we won’t have sex. And then, not only do I not have sex, she’ll think I’m a loser or a limp dick man. I’d rather take the risk.”
Sure. I get that. It used to happen to me too. For about 3 years it affected me.
Let’s address the fear of not being seen as a man, first.
First off, you are not your dick. If you can’t get hard, that does not mean you’re not a man. It means you have emotions. It means you’re a human. It means there’s something else you need to look at. Here’s an article to help you wrap your head around it. It’s not a full solution, but it will help for the time being.
Now, let’s address the erection issue.
You do get hard before sex, though, right? Which means you’re turned on. Which means you have sexual energy coursing through your veins. So, you don’t have an issue with erections.
But, as soon as you put on the condom, or go to put it on, you lose your erection. Is that a physiological problem or a psychological one? Is that because of the condom? Or an issue with your sexuality?
When I was in my early 20’s, I didn’t watch a ton of porn. And I was rock hard, with or without a condom.
As a got older, I started watching more porn. And I was struggling with erectile dysfunction for various reasons. I could get hard before sex, but if I had to stop to put on a condom, I would lose my erection.
Now, I’m in my mid-30’s and I can stay hard for as long as I want. I don’t lose my erection while using condoms.
So, was the problem the condoms? Or, was it just easier to blame them, because I didn’t want to admit I had my own psychological and emotional issues that were interfering with my sex drive?
Yup….it’s not the condoms. It’s you.
If you can get hard before sex, then that mean’s you can get turned on. You don’t need a condom for that.
So, if you lose your erection when you put on a condom, it’s not the condom. It’s your relationship to it. It’s all in your head, and that shouldn’t be her responsibility to bear the risk because you’re too afraid/lazy to work through your own challenge.
Here’s what I did to get past it.
I got in touch with my sex drive. I stopped looking at just the pleasure on my dick as the sole source of sexual pleasure. I allowed myself to feel my horniness, not just the sensation of my penis in her vagina. I allowed the anticipation of sex to build while I put on the condom.
And, there’s nothing like a solid “YES” when you’re a foot away from her, and she’s watching you put that condom on, while touching you. She knows what’s going to happen next, and she has the opportunity to stop things at this moment.
If she’s watched you put the condom on, and she’s still laying there, smiling and waiting for you, she wants you inside of her. How is that not a huge turn on!?
If you’re reliant on just the increase in pleasure on your penis, then you’re too focussed on your dick for sex. Even if it’s 50% more pleasure, there are so many other things that make sex incredible.
You get turned on by:
the thought of sex
her riding you
seeing and feeling her body
hearing her orgasms and helping her have them
Feeling her skin against yours
The fact that you’re inside of her, and she’s opened herself up to you
If a 50% decrease in physical sensation is all it takes to lose your erection, then are you really the sexual beast you like to think you are?
Are you really that badass and great in bed, that just the thought of a condom can make you go limp?
I’m not saying this to shame guys, but instead shine a light on some false confidence that may be the gap between you, and deep sexual confidence.
Also, considering the fact that most men aren’t lasting longer than even 5 minutes with their penis inside her vagina, that is a lot of risk she’s taking, for a pretty short experience.
Personally, I’m willing to sacrifice a tinier bit of pleasure so that my partner doesn’t have to worry and she can let go and just have fun. If a woman is in her head, and anxious about a potential pregnancy, she can’t fully let go. And that’s going to interfere with her ability to have an orgasm.
And, I’m also okay with sacrificing some pleasure so that I don’t have to worry about pregnancy scares or burning infections dripping out of my dick.
Gentlemen, if you’re struggling with staying hard because of a condom, I’d say it’s time to really look at your sexual habits.
Stop watching porn.
Start taking better care of your body.
Start looking into the psychological and emotional blocks that interfere with condoms.
I prefer unprotected sex. And I will propose it from time to time but only after briefly talking about the risks.
I also prefer to know that my partner is perfectly okay accepting some of the risk. I prefer to know what we’ll do if there’s a pregnancy scare. I prefer to know for a fact, that I, nor she, are carrying any STIs.
The conversation beforehand doesn’t need to be a lecture.
It can be as simple as: “How do you feel about me not using a condom? Are you on birth control? What do we do if you get pregnant by accident? Have you been tested since your last partner? Should we high five after you orgasm, or just cuddle?”
If you’re unwilling to face the facts from above, have a mature conversation, and consider your partners experience, then can you really call yourself a man? I know that’s a bit ‘in your face’ but it’s true.
I’m not saying you have to get an erection to be a man.
What I am saying is: If you’re unwilling of facing the truth behind why you lose your erection because you’re either lazy or scared, and you’re unwilling to consider her experience, you’re less of the man you could be.
Boys are selfish, and just take without consideration.
A man considers his partners experience and is able to come face to face with risk, and deal with it responsibly. A man doesn’t avoid challenge. He leans into it, and leads his partners through it to safety and ecstasy.
Don’t be a boy. Be a man. Do the right thing. *shakes finger*
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